A Father's Day in Remnant
by korben600
Summary: Yang decides to host a father's day at Beacon academy. It gets complicated in hilarious ways. Mostly in ways involving dirty jokes.
1. Weiss's Daddy Issues

**So...I wrote another fic! Not a particularly serious one, but uh, T for adult humor. And swearing. If you don't like swearing...I...just wouldn't read this if I were you. But, like...funny swearing. (Much, much, longer and more rambley A/N at the end)**

* * *

Yang: So for father's day, I asked you all to bring your fathers from the four corners of Remnant to meet us all for a meet and greet. First up is Weiss introducing...Weiss, who the fuck is this?

Weiss: This is Klein. He's one of my butlers.

Klein: Hello Ms Yang.

Yang: Weiss, I thought we agreed were bringing our fathers today.

Weiss: Yes.

Yang: Wait, so that means…

Weiss: Yes.

Yang: Your mom did the butler!? Geez Schnee, I knew _you_ were kinky, but mama Schnee always looked a little uptight, guess it runs in the-

Weiss: WHAT? NO, Klein is a father FIGURE, you airheaded bimbo. Get your mind out of the gutter….

Yang: So why didn't you call up your actual dad?

Weiss: Trust me, it's better that I didn't bring my father.

Yang: That's not really an answer.

Weiss: He's...complicated.

Yang: My Dad has had two wives in the course of less than three years with one dying and the other leaving him. Pull the other one.

Weiss: Look, just trust me, you wouldn't want to meet him, and I don't want to have to deal with the financial fallout.

Yang: Fallout?

Weiss: Yes, from you inevitably killing him.

Yang: Whoa that escalated fast, okay, Weiss, let's backtrack here, why would I want to kill your dad, exactly?

Weiss: He's an awful person. Don't worry, everyone wants to kill him. I just think that if you met him in person you'd be the only person with the balls to do it.

Yang: What? Weiss, that's just...no, I wouldn't kill Jacques Schnee. I don't care how bad of a person your father is, nobody is evil enough that just casually meeting them would make me kill them.

Klein: Oh no, the wee lass is right, you would definitely keel-haul old Jacque. Don't worry, it's a normal reaction. I want to kill the man too.

Weiss: And me.

Winter: And don't forget me.

Yang: What are you doing here Winter?

Winter: Weiss invited me. Not many father's days at Atlas academy, and I had some time off.

Yang: Okay...I'm just going to ignore that. So all of you want to kill Weiss's dad.

Klein/Winter/Weiss: Yes.

Yang: And you all think for some inexplicable reason that I would just kill him on sight.

Weiss: Immediately.

Winter: Unreservedly.

Klein: Without hesitation.

Yang: ...isn't he your father? And _your_ boss?

Klein: How do you think he's lived this long? I gotta pay the bills somehow.

Winter: An Atlesian specialist's license to kill is revoked after too many unforeseen casualties. I've almost used up my quota and I'm saving one in case I need to clip a certain bird's wings.

Weiss: My inheritance is revoked if _I_ kill him.

Yang: ….Atlas is fucked up.

Weiss: Why do you think I came to Beacon?

Yang: I'm...just...gonna leave, before one of you disappears me. Next on the list, Blake Belladona, and her father, Ghira Belladonna!

* * *

 **A/N: This whole thing started with a funny bit of dialogue I thought of, and finished with the idea "How many daddy jokes can I cram into one fic?" so...you can probably guess how this fic is gonna go down from here. This is meant to be my flagship funny fic, full of innuendos and daddy jokes for your reading pleasure (if you were stunned by their absence here, don't worry, more are coming...).**

 **("Wait what?"? Wait for what-oh, that's a fanfic name. What kind of stupid name for a fic is-oh it's one of mine...right, still sort of working on that one, but I've kind of run dry with ideas. Except for penis jokes. Those are always funny.)**

 **Anyway, this is meant to be a humorous, so read this while you can, cause I'm probably going right back to trying to make ya'll cry within the next week with some other attempt at an emotionally heartbreaking story. (PFFT, HA, as if I'd do something that mean...I'm not waiting a week, I've already started with the next sad-fic. As with all good emotional trauma, it involves Pyrrha. And as with all good fanfic, there's a roughly 45% shot of me actually finishing the darn thing without a deadline, which is far better than normal.)**

 **Oh, and expect more chapters, you think I'm content with just one chapter of dad jokes, hell no, I've actually already got the next chapter finished and a third one on the way (which is a weird feeling for me, am I being...** ** _productive_** **? Pfft no. I'm writing fanfic.).**


	2. Blake's Daddy Issues

Yang: Alright Blake, where's your dad?

Blake: He got held up with some stuff in Menagerie. He'll be online soon.

Yang: Well, I can't wait to meet him! Is he some kind of crotchety old activist?

Blake: Well, he was the head of the White Fang, but he mostly settled down, now he's an administrator in Menagerie.

Yang: Ohh, so he's a pencil pusher, gotcha, I'll try not to intimidate him.

Blake: Somehow I doubt-oh, the line's on, hey Dad!

[Ghira looks into the phone from his end and pushes it into a sitting position so it can see him and he walks back to fall on a couch]

Blake: Hey dad! Glad you could make it on short notice!

Ghira: Anything for my little girl, oh, is this one of your friends?

Blake: Dad, this is Yang. Yang, this is my dad, Ghira.

Yang: …

Blake: Yang, you okay?

Yang: _That's_ your dad?

Blake: Yeah, why?

Yang: I thought he was an administrator in Menagerie!

Blake: Yeah, he is, why?

Yang: He looks like he pulls freight trains in his spare time! Look at this man! How tall are you?

Ghira: Uhh, 6'6?

Yang: I could stack one and a half Ruby's and it still wouldn't be as tall as you!

Ghira: Thank you?

Yang: You're welcome, just hold on for a second, I'm still processing this...Blake, how are you so short?

Blake: Hey! I'm as tall as you are!

Yang: So, I just had a huntsman for a father, not a moving mountain like you did.

Ghira: She's short because of malnutrition from running away with terrorists.

Blake: Hey!

Yang: That explains it! Running away with some douche like Adam would definitely have an impact on growth.

Ghira: Definitely, terrorists would stunt a young woman's growth.

Blake: Excuse me, but-

Yang: Ugh, and that Adam was such a bad influence, right? I can't think of whatever Blake saw in him.

Ghira: I know, RIGHT? He's so emo, and constantly whining.

Blake: What are you-how did we get on this topic?

Yang: Yeah, and he was such a dick.

Ghira: He _was_ such a dick.

Yang: A total dick.

Ghira: A complete dick

Yang: A gigantic, freaking-

Blake: ENOUGH, I GET IT, my _EX_ -boyfriend was a DICK, OKAY? I knew it was a mistake bringing you two together. Dad, get mom over here.

Kali: Blake, is that you sweetie?

Blake: Yes, and can you stay for a minute, as painful as it will be for me, I want to introduce you to my friend. Mom, this is Yang, my partner. Yang, this is my mom, Kali. She's the reason I'm not as tall as dad.

Yang: Hey miss B. So wait, you're why Blake's small?

Kali: Oh yes, Blake takes after me, unfortunately, hold on.

[Kali walks back to sit on top of Ghira]

Yang: Holy crap, wait...that-

[points at Ghira]

Yang: Fit into that?!

[points at Kali]

Yang: HOW? It's like if a housecat got ploughed by a lion!

Blake: YANG!

Yang: What?

Blake: You don't just say that!

Yang: It's a legitimate question.

Blake: And those are my legitimate parents!

Yang: Exactly, it's not like you'd know.

Blake: Oh my god….why are you like this….

Kali: Uh, girls?

Blake: Oh god, the line's still on, mom, dad, I am so, so sorry for this, I had no idea she would act like this-

Kali: Actually, I wanted to talk to Yang.

Yang: Yeah Miss B?

Kali: The answer is "very, very, enthusiastically."

Blake: MOM!

Ghira: Dear!

Yang: HA! Knew it!

Blake: That's it, we're done here. [hangs up] Fuck you Yang. I did not need to know how I was conceived today.

Yang: It was a learning experience.

Blake: _Fuck. You_. Move on with this stupid thing already before I decide to kill you for that.

Yang: Alright, alright, next up, the fathers of JNPR!

* * *

 **A/N: HA! I bet you all thought I was kidding when I said I'd done chapters in advance! But look who's laughing now! Mwahahahha! Anyway, the chapter was 'inspired by' (** ** _cough_** **stolen from** ** _cough_** **) the tumblr post below, I recommend Paraphrasing Characters if you like this brand of humor, he's a funny dude who does RWBY and Overwatch jokes.**

 **post/158761375957/rwby-casting-day-2**

 **(remove spaces for link)**


	3. JNPR's Daddy Issues

Yang: Alright so now, time for the fathers of JNPR, I'll start with...guys, you were supposed to bring your fathers. Did no-one get the memo? Geez...

Jaune: My family's in Ansel and couldn't make it. And they're not exactly on the grid when it comes to scroll calls.

Pyrrha: Mistral was too far and cell reception there wasn't good enough for a call.

Yang: And you guys?

Nora: Our parents are deeeeaaaad.

Yang: Oh...sorry. So none of you brought your fathers?

Nora: Oh no, we brought our daddy.

Yang: Then...where is he?

Nora: Right...here!

Jaune: Wait, wha-

[Nora pushes Jaune forward]

Yang: ...do you want to explain or something?

Jaune: Yeah, I'd like to know what's going on too at some point. I mean it's not like I'm the _leader_ of this team or anything...

Ren: (sigh) In our defense, we were allowed to bring father _figures_.

Nora: And Jaune's the team dad!

Yang: ...really? Jaune?

Jaune: Me?

Ren: Pyrrha's already called dibs on team mom. And he does provide good advice.

Pyrrha: And is always being supportive.

Ren: And always looking out for our well-being.

Jaune: Aww, thanks guys, that's-

Nora: Jaune's our daddy!

Yang: ...That wasn't just me, that sounded a little bit wrong, right?

Jaune: Nope, that definitely wasn't just you.

Nora: Jaune makes sure we don't get too much sugar.

Pyrrha: and he always punishes us if we're bad boys and girls.

Ren: and he likes planning our team drills.

Jaune: Okay, guys, that's enough. Please-

Nora: And sometimes he won't stop drilling us as punishment.

Ren: Yes, he'll keep going until we learned our lesson.

Pyrrha: And we let him drill us until we can't go any longer…

Jaune: GUYS!

Pyrrha: Huh, what, did you say something Jaune?

Jaune: I think you broke Yang.

Yang: …

Jaune: Yang, you okay?

Nora: See! Always supportive!

Yang: Yeah, I'm good...So, uh, you _knight_ know what you're doing as team leader, huh?

Jaune: She's fine. Hey Yang, I gotta take my team away, because _apparently_ , we need to talk about the blatant sexual repression going on amongst my teammates, but keep us updated on how the rest of Father's day went. And I need to find an alternative name for team practices other than 'drills' cause I'm never unhearing that again...

Yang: Okay, have fun. But not too much fun, I want to have a building to come back to.

Jaune: Oh shut up.

Nora: What, Jaune, we're not going to be drilled?

Jaune: Not if you keep calling it that-

Yang: Drilling can be dangerous you know. Daddy needs to remember protection.

Pyrrha: Don't worry, we've got enough protection to go all day back at the dorm.

Jaune: Goddammit-

Yang: Come on "Daddy" you've got drilling to-

Jaune: Okay, THAT'S IT! ATTEN-TION!

NPRY: SIR!

Jaune: Good. Pyrrha! Is there anything else we need to do here?

Pyrrha: No sir!

Jaune: Good. Ren! Is there anything you want to visit on the way to the dorm or are you good to just leave?

Ren: I have some tasks to complete, but a meeting is likely more necessary.

Jaune: Very well. NORA!

Nora: YA, GENERAL!

Jaune: What's that in your hands-holy crap. Nora...just...drop the grenade, okay? Dammit Nora, we talked about this. Where did you even keep that...

Nora: Yes sir! **_*thunk*_**

Jaune: And Yang…

Yang: Yes daddy?

Jaune: *sigh* Yang, I respect you as woman, warrior, and huntress, but as a friend, please, shut the fuck up until we leave. Now come on everyone, we need a talk. Back at the dorm…

[Jaune walks away]

Ren: Yes daddy.

Pyrrha: I love it when he takes control like this.

Nora: Daddy might give us a spanking.

Yang: ...I am both aroused and confused.

Jaune: ARE YOU ALL COMING OR NOT!

YNPR: YES SIR!

Jaune: Not you Yang!

Yang: Damn...

[NPR follows after Jaune]

Yang: ...Anyway, next up is my dad, Taiyang Xiao Long!

Tai: Yang, I've been here the whole time. And who are you talking to?

Yang: …

Tai: …

Yang: ...

Tai: ...Wait, so _that's_ why you stopped calling me "Daddy" in middle school-

Yang: AND THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW, THANK YOU FOR WATCHING!

* * *

 **A/N: I was going to update earlier, but life sidetracked me. Anyway, here's the JNPR chapter and I hope you all enjoyed it!**


	4. Ruby's Daddy Issues

Yang: This next father's day dad isn't actually going to be introduced by me, instead it will be Ruby, due to me being a gracious and caring older sibling who wanted to give a chance to my poor little sister-

Ruby: And because "poor little sister" called dibs.

Yang: And that. Speed semblances and dibs are bullshit anyway.

Ruby: I'm sorry Yang, did you want to remove your dibs on Bumblebee? I'd be happy to take her off your hands-

Yang: Nope! I'm good!

Ruby: Uh-huh. Anyway, today we're presenting the brawler of team STRQ. The man responsible for Yang and my existences, the Dragon of the West, the one, the only, Taiyang Xiao Long!

Tai: Hi!

Blake: Hello. I'm Blake, one of your daughter's teammates. The other one is Weiss, but I think she's showing her sister around. She'll come around soon.

Tai: Got it, I'll probably talk with her later, so, you got any questions for me?

Ruby: Psst, Dad, get ready for a grilling, Blake always has good questions, I'm sure she's got some in-depth ones about hunting or something-

Blake: Were you the one who taught Yang to tell those awful puns?

Tai: HA! Yeah, I guess you could say it _puns in the family_

Blake: *sigh* It was too much to hope it was from her mom's side wasn't it?

Tai: Ohh yeah, the jokes were a _pun_ -way street from me!

Blake: Yep. You're related.

Ruby: _Now you know my pain..._

Blake: Anyway...Why does Yang have your name but Ruby doesn't?

Tai: Yang's mom left us, and she REALLY didn't want Yang to have her name anyway. As for Ruby, her mother...passed away. It wasn't right that Ruby didn't have her name. Besides, does Ruby look or sound like a Xiao Long?

Ruby: Hey! I am so Xiao Long! Just you wait, I'm going to be taller than both of you!

Yang: Pfft, as if, Jaune looks more like a Xiao Long than you, ya little shrimp, and even if you were as tall as Qrow, you still don't sound like us.

Ruby: Hey! Just because puns are lowest form of comedy, and I don't like making amputee jokes doesn't mean I don't sound like you guys!

Blake: Wait, did you say amputee jokes?

Ruby: Oh god. Right, you haven't seen these two in a hospital. Pray you never do.

Tai: What do we do at a hospital?

Yang: Yeah, we always show respect at a hospital!

Ruby: The last time we were at a hospital together you went up to someone who lost his legs and said "Walk it off, loser"!

Blake: Oh my god.

Tai: Hey, he thought it was hilarious!

Yang: He was keeling over laughing!

Ruby: HE POPPED 18 STITCHES LAUGHING!

[A muffled voice outside yells "Shut the hell up!"]

Tai: See, we were killing it at that hospital!

Blake: ...tell me he didn't just say that.

Ruby: Oh, it gets worse. Just hope neither of them gets hurt. It's horrible. It's so awkward for everyone. It's AWFUL.

[A muffled voice outside yells "The hell are you all doing in there?"]

Yang: Hey, that guy loved us. It's not your problem your humor comes up short.

Blake: ...was that a dig at your height or another amputee joke?

Ruby: Yes.

Blake: ...I'm gonna go. I was gonna try to get a little bit of payback for Yang's little stunt earlier, but clearly immunity to embarrassment is genetic.

Ruby: No! Don't leave me!

Blake: Ruby! Come on-hey, here, what if I get a replacement-Coco! Tag out!

[Blake grabs Coco from the hallway]

Coco: Can you guys keep it down-HEY! Paws off Blake!

[Blake bugs out]

Ruby: Welcome to my personal hell, Coco.

Coco: What?

Yang: Ruby's being dramatic, we decided to have everyone bring their Fathers to Beacon for Father's day.

Coco: Oh...why was Blake running?

Ruby: _Flee for your life!_

Yang: Ignore her, Ruby and Blake are _wimps_ with a poor sense of humor.

Coco: O-kay…

Yang: Anyway, this is our Dad. Coco, Taiyang Xiao Long. Dad, Coco Adel, leader of team CFVY.

Coco: S'up. You made two competent huntresses. Good job.

Tai: Hey. Thanks

[Shake hands, but their hands don't let go]

Coco: Huh, quite a grip you got there.

Tai: Yang got it from somewhere. You too by the way. For a huntress in training.

Yang: Uhh, guys, you okay?

[Their hands begin to visibly strain]

Coco: Oh, so I'm not the best you've had?

Tai: Kid, you ain't got nothing on my wives. Damn near broke my hands popping out these two.

Ruby: Dad, maybe tone it down a little bit-

[Their auras begin to flicker around the edges of their fingers]

Coco: Kid? Ohh, you're on now, old man. Really think you can keep up with me?

Tai: Heh, you wouldn't believe what kind of tricks this old dog's got.

[Their auras grow even brighter at their hands]

Yang: Okay, that's it, you two are done.

[Yang grabs them by the heads and bangs them together]

Ruby: Really Yang?

Yang: Best way to distract people is pain.

Tai: Aghh!

Coco: My fucking nose-son of a bitch!

Yang: Oh, so you've met mom too?

Coco: Fuck you!

Yang: Hey, shouldn't your bleeding have stopped already?

Coco: Was at training. That handshake took the last of it, so now I'm fuck outta aura.

Yang: Whoops, come on Ruby, I might've overdone it a bit, let's get her to the infirmary.

Coco: "Might've" overdone it?

Yang: Not my fault you gotta soft nose, Dad, you good?

Tai: Hold on, it's not setting straight.

[He grabs his nose, and squeezes.]

* _crack_ *

Tai: Damn that stings. Hate having to rebreak it but this face is worth it.

Coco: ...shit.

Yang: He's a brawler. We're used to face shots.

Ruby: Yeah, as you probably guessed from Yang, lots of head injuries in this family.

Yang: Yeah-HEY!

Ruby: Next father for Father's Day is Qrow Branwen. Dad, wait here for him, we'll be back. Come on Coco, let's go.

[They walk into the hallway out of sight of Tai]

 **Epilogue….**

Coco: So...about your dad.

Ruby: What about him?

Coco: He single?

Yang: Oh god-EWW, Coco _no!_

Coco: Coco _yes_...

Ruby: Why does this keep happening!

Yang: Coco, you better hope that's a concussion talking…

Coco: Why? Worried I'll break his heart?

Yang: Pfft, no, but if you're going after him I just wanted to warn you about the line…

* * *

 **A/N: I...actually had this written a** _ **long**_ **time ago, but I wasn't really satisfied with it, and life happened (I.E. I discovered Civ 5), so now here's a late chapter that isn't actually different because I couldn't think of better jokes. Any-who, hope you enjoyed! Other updates should be** _ **much**_ **faster now that life has calmed down ever so slightly. Also, I am realizing far too late that Ruby doesn't actually have that big of a role in here. Darn. Eh, I'll just have to write another fic later. And I just realized that I still haven't written that Sad-fic I mentioned in like chapter 1. I'll get on that.**

 **(joke blatantly stolen from art/Single-Father- 592289974 who provides more context on why Coco x Taiyang is supposed to be funny)**


	5. Yang's Daddy Issues

Ruby: We're back!

Tai: How's Coco?

Ruby: She's fine. Kept asking for your phone number for a rematch.

Tai: Oh, that's weird.

Yang: Not really.

Tai: Huh?

Yang: Don't worry about it dad, we gave her Goodwitch's number. She's good.

Tai: Why do I get the feeling that's not going to end well-

Yang: And now I'd like to present for father's day, Qrow Branwen!

Tai: This is gonna be good….hey Qrow, didn't see you there.

Qrow: Hey Tai. Yang, you know I'm your _Uncle_ , right? Your dad married my **sister** , I have a higher chance of being **Ruby's** father than yours.

Yang: Oh pipe down, I'm only introducing you 'cause Ruby already called dibs on bringing dad. Anyway, you're a father _figure_ to us, and especially to Ruby.

Qrow: Oh, uh, thanks kiddo, that's kind of sweet-

Yang: And besides, you and dad are already together-together, so even if you haven't _officially_ tied the knot, you already are one of our dads.

Qrow: Wait, what?

Yang: Oh come on, did you guys think you were being subtle? Two objectively beautiful men just happen to _never_ find a nice girl to tie you down?

Tai: The problem is that nice girls don't want to _Tai_ you down.

Yang: Alright, fine, gods know you two have never dated a 'nice' woman in your life, but you two could've remarried _different_ women, but nooo, instead two _completely heterosexual_ men decide to raise two children together, far away from any prying eyes-

Qrow: We stayed in that house because forests are cheap property!

Yang: You stayed with us for years on end.

Qrow: I'm a cheap freeloader!

Yang: You literally sneak out of the guest bunk to dad's room in the middle of the night.

Qrow: ...

Tai: Damn...she nailed you. I mean, not as well as I do, but _damn_...

Qrow: Tai, sweetie, shut the fuck up.

Yang: HA, he admitted it! Ruby, you owe me 300 lien!

Ruby: Gee thanks guys. I _finally_ get another parent and you immediately cost me money.

Qrow: You all suck.

Tai: Not in public Qrow, but if you insist…

Yang: Ew, I really didn't need that image. So when are you two getting hitched anyway?

Tai: Probably never.

Yang: What! Why?

Qrow: Given my semblance and Tai's track record with marriage, it's probably not the greatest idea.

Tai: That and Qrow's got a side-chick.

Yang: NO way! Qrow, you got _two_ people to take pity on your drunk ass?

Ruby: That's incredible!

Qrow: First of all, buzz off Yang, I'll have you know I'm quite the catch, second of all, she's not a side-chick, I'm polyamorous. So's Tai and the other woman, they both agreed to this.

[distant footsteps heard in the distance]

Yang: Dad's poly? And you too?

Tai: Yeah, since Beacon. Rae and Sum were too.

Qrow: What do you think Team STRQ did in our spare time in school? Study?

Yang: Ugh, gross Uncle Qrow! I'm glad our team doesn't have that problem.

[Jaune enters the room]

Jaune: Hey guys? Father's day still going?

Yang: Yep, Jaune, meet our dads, Tai and Qrow.

Jaune: Hi, nice to meet the Xiao Long parents at last, Yang's said a lot about you.

Qrow: Likewise, kid. She says a lot of good things about you.

Jaune: ...we both know that's a lie.

Qrow: Pfft, yeah, don't know how I kept a straight face saying that…

Jaune: So, tell me about yourselves.

Yang: Well we just found out they're polyamorous and that Dad did his whole team.

Jaune: Wait, what? 'Did'? Like-

Tai: Sex.

Jaune: ...His _whole_ team?

Tai: 3 for 3.

Qrow: Hey, 2 for 2 counts. I'm not doing my sister.

Yang: Just like you and your team, Jaune!

Jaune: Wait, what?

Yang: Isn't that what you and your team went to do earlier?

Jaune: NO. We went to talk over my team's sexual repression.

Yang: 'Talk', sure, yeah * _wink_ * I gotchu Jaune.

Jaune: _Literally_ talk, like a counseling session!

Ruby: Oh, wait, if you did that already, where are they?

Jaune: They're a bit tied up right now…

Ruby: ...

Yang: ...is that a euphemism?

Jaune: What? No, I had to tie them to their beds.

Ruby: …

Yang: ….are you _sure_ that's not a euphemism?

Jaune: Yes! Look, Nora was acting out and kept jumping everywhere and even Ren couldn't calm her down. So she said that the only way she'd stay still was to tie her to her bed to keep her down.

Ruby: Where'd you even get the rope?

Jaune: Pyrrha had some in a spare trunk of hers.

Yang: _Reeeaaally_?

Jaune: Yeah. Then Ren kept tickling Nora, and then me and Pyrrha so I had to tie him to a bed too. Then Pyrrha started to hyperventilate and kept walking around in circles, then started to push me around when I tried to stop her so I had to tie her down too. Then I left to let them cool off.

Ruby: Pyrrha had enough rope for everyone?

Jaune: No, but Ren had some spare handcuffs.

Yang: ….

Ruby: Wow, your team sure is prepared for anything Jaune.

Yang: _stupid leaders making me explain everything_...Jaune, was this at the suggestion of Ren and Pyrrha too?

Jaune: Uh...yeah, I think so.

Yang: And you didn't think it was odd that you were able to subdue all three of your _extremely strong_ teammates?

Jaune: Uh...I mean, they did seem to be flushed when I grabbed them and tied them up. But now that you mention that, that is odd.

Yang: Uh huh.

Jaune: What? What'd I do?

Ruby: Yeah, what'd Jaune do? He just pinned them until they gave up, tied them down, and punished them for disobeying.

Jaune: …

Yang: Wait for it.

Ruby: Jaune acted like a good daddy!

Jaune: ...OH!

Yang: And the penny drops…

Jaune: I better go untie them, shouldn't I?

Yang: Probably. Tell you what. Ruby and I'll come to make sure that you stop listening to your team, 'kay?

Ruby: Yeah, we'll help you become a better daddy to all of us Jaune!

Jaune: Ruby, uh, could you please stop talking?

Ruby: Why? You're a great daddy, Jaune, in fact, I'd love to have you as my daddy.

Yang: Why do you not want to be her daddy Jaune?

Jaune: Uh, phrasing, guys…

Ruby: Yeah, be my daddy Jaune!

Yang: You're a great daddy.

Jaune: Um, I'm really flattered, but uh-

Qrow: * _Ahem_ * So, kid, trying to be a 'daddy' to my baby girls?

Jaune: _oh god_. Uh, I really don't-

Qrow: What, are they not good enough for a cad like you!

Jaune: No, they are, just uh-

Qrow: If you break their hearts, I'm gonna castrate you.

Jaune: Of course not, Mr Xiao Long sir, oh, look at the time, gotta go free my team, come on girls, nicemeetingyouYang'sdadsbye!

[Jaune drags Yang and Ruby towards his dorm]

Qrow: ...pfft...

Tai: You are an asshole, you know that?

Qrow: BWAHAHHAHAHAAHA. He's as big of a dipshit as _you_ , Tai!

Tai: Oh shut up. I wasn't that bad.

Qrow: "Oh, we can help you polish your weapon Tai." "Oh, we need someone to teach us how to swim, Tai." "Oh, we needed some help taking off our clothes Tai!" Are you _sure_ you're not this kid's dad, he's got the hair for it!

Tai: I have never dated an Arc in my life.

Qrow: Pfft, that you know of. HA, that kid was a dipshit, I'm glad I got the shovel talk in though, at this rate his team and RWBY are gonna be bumping uglies before the end of the semester.

[a faint call is heard in the hallway "Hi short Weiss, hi tall Weiss!" "Hey!" "gotta go, team meeting, you know how it is, Yang's parents are in there, byeeee"]

Tai: Oh, you didn't see how repressed his team was, 10 lien says they get together by the end of the week.

Qrow: Heh, you're on, and make it 20 lien.

[a louder voice is heard "Is that norm-" "Nothing is normal about our teams. Just ignore it."]

Tai: Actually, speaking of polyamory, who is that girl you're with? I'd like to meet her but you haven't even told me her name for some reason.

Qrow: Look, it's nothing personal, I just want to keep you two seperate. Keep something uncomplicated in my life, if it makes you feel better, she doesn't know your name either.

Tai: Which I'm sure annoys her too, come on, at least give me a name. It's not like she's just going to waltz in when you say her name. Don't be an asshole!

[in the doorway "Maybe we shouldn't go in-" "Nonsense Weiss, you wanted me to come and-wait, is that…"]

Qrow: I've told you about her before, just not as my girlfriend, okay? I just don't want you two to know each other, what the hell's the problem with that!

Tai: You've been sitting on this for years! Just TELL me. Is she married already or something, is she a bandit! Why won't you trust me with this!

Qrow: Why are you making such a big fucking deal out of this! It's my life!

Winter: Qrow? What are you doing here?

Qrow: Winter? What am I doing here, what are YOU doing here? This is father's day, of course the kids roped me into this shit.

Tai: Qrow we are NOT done with this! Don't you dare try to dodge again!

Winter: Hey, back off of him. Qrow, what the hell did you do this time?

Tai: Who are you?

Winter: Who am I, excuse me? Who are _you?_

Qrow: Oh no. No, no, no, I am not dealing with this right now, everyone just calm down, it's not a big deal.

Tai/Winter: I'm his boyfriend/girlfriend!

Tai: …

Winter: …

Weiss: "Oh Weiss, let's visit Ruby's parents, I should get to know them, parents and elder siblings need to network." "Sure Winter, I'm sure you'll get along famously with them." Ugh, I'm blaming you for this, you stupid, drunk, bird.

Qrow: Fuck.

* * *

 **A/N: So...yeah, this is the second to last chapter of this series (barring any funny ideas that come to mind afterwards). I hope y'all liked it!**

 **(Once again, I apologize for the misleading chapter titles, I couldn't really think of anything better/more relevant. By the way, the last/next chapter isn't going to be a new father introduced but a continuation of this conversation. I hope you all will enjoy it!)**


	6. Qrow's Daddy Issues

**A/N: Last chapter...**

* * *

Winter: Wait...Qrow, is that man your "Blonde bootycall" you're always going on about?

Tai: "Blonde bootycall"? Really Qrow? Not even "Beautiful blonde bootycall"? I'm almost offended.

Qrow: Tai, shut up, and stop talking to her

Winter: Really Qrow? Being possessive of me now? In front of your _boyfriend_?

Qrow: You shut up too, Ice Queen.

Tai: Wait...Ice Queen? You're THAT Ice Queen?

Winter: Mostly likely. If he's referring to my little sister then he's going to _lose_ a few important body parts…

Tai: Oh yeah, Qrow talked about you all the time.

Winter: _Really?_ All good things?

Qrow: Yeah, only the best _right_ Tai-

Tai: Qrow called you the biggest bitch on the face of the planet.

Winter: He did mention me!

Qrow: Hey, that's out of context!

Tai: So what did Qrow say about his "Blonde bootycall"?

Winter: He called you the wimpiest piece of shit he's ever met.

Qrow: That one wasn't out of context, but could both of you _please_ stop talking-

Tai: He also mentioned that you had the typical alcohol tolerance of an Atlesian douchebag.

Winter: Qrow mentioned that you had the stupidest semblance on three continents.

Tai: Atlesian asshole?

Winter: Sanctimonious shithead?

Qrow: Oh god, okay, if the two of you would just _calm down_ a little bit, we can talk peacefully, Glynda's still a little peeved about last time-

Tai: Last time?

Winter: Minor altercation with mild damage to Beacon's courtyard.

Tai: Mild? Really?

Winter: Mild for Glynda. That woman has an overpowered semblance, and that's coming from a _Schnee_...anyway, minor, but Qrow's lucky I didn't skewer him.

Tai: Oh yeah, Qrow did mention "Sub-par swordsmanship abilities"

Winter: This coming from the "only huntsman on Remnant without a real weapon"

Qrow: I am not retracting either statement, now can you two-

Tai: Heh, only one on Remnant that doesn't _need_ one. Why? Wanna see me fight?

Winter: Oh, I'd like to do a hell of a lot more than _watch_ you fight.

Qrow: Wait-are, are you two-

Tai: I'd love to oblige, from what I heard, your form is...exquisite...

Winter: Just my form?

Tai: He also said you had the most beautiful rack in Atlas.

Qrow: TAI!

Winter: Just Atlas?

Tai: Glynda tops in Vale.

Winter: Personal experience?

Tai: Oh you have no idea.

Winter: Oh, I'll bet you do…

Qrow: You _are_ flirting-Wait, roll back a second did you say Glynda-

Tai: Hey, Qrow say anything nice about me?

Winter: He claims you had the tightest ass Beacon's ever seen.

Tai: Really?

Qrow: Stop _flirting_ , Tai, I swear to god if you do this to me again-

Winter: Oh definitely, though personally, I don't really trust Qrow though when it comes to aesthetic appeal.

Tai: He just has some biases that won't get out, he loves me you know?

Winter: Me too, you know, I should probably check his assertions...first hand.

Qrow: Did you just use one of _my_ lines, on _my_ boyfriend-

Tai: Oooh, tempting, but tell you what, how about I insert some biases into you first, to break your concentration of course. Maybe you'll swing towards my point of view.

Winter: You're welcome to try, but why don't we go out first? I happen to be well swayed by good food, then you can try to...convince me.

Tai: Oooh, a little too early for dinner, so coffee then? There's this exquisite place down the street, with the best pastries and we can see how much else Qrow has said about us…

Winter: Perfect.

[Winter and Tai leave]

Qrow: Did they just-what-what? My boyfriend and girlfriend just hooked up with each other...AGAIN. God-fucking- _dammit_ Tai.

Weiss: Well that was traumatizing.

Qrow: Oh, right, you're still here. Don't suppose you know how that just happened.

Weiss: I just watched my sister flirt and run off with a schoolteacher…. _again_. Uggh, at least they didn't tear up the courtyard this time, unlike _some people._

Qrow: Oh, heh, hey, I said sorry about that.

Weiss: It's fine, just...that guy won't hurt her, right?

Qrow: I'd trust both of them with my life and my heart...if that means anything.

Weiss: Hmph. I guess it'll have to do.

Qrow: Course, he might knock her up, but he means well.

Weiss: Wait, WHAT?

Qrow: How do you think Ruby and Yang were born?

Weiss: Wait, that's their FATHER? That's Taiyang Xiao Long?

Qrow: Well, duh? I mean, he just charmed the coldest bitch on Remnant in 2 minutes flat, that's a special kind of Xiao Long charm. Didn't you ever wonder why Ruby and Yang were practically Irish twins even though they had two different mothers?

Weiss: Oh...god's above, how old is he?

Qrow: Not as old as you think. He's my age-

Weiss: Wait, you're old enough to be _my_ father?! I thought you were like 30?!

Qrow: I'll take that as a compliment, anyway, we're not super close to Winter's age, but Yang was conceived really early. It's legal in Vacuo.

Weiss: So's bestiality.

Qrow: Why do you think Winter and I go to Vacuo to hook up.

Weiss: What are you talking about you dirty...old...bird...

Qrow: And the penny drops...

Weiss: ...I didn't need to know that today. Fuck you, Qrow.

Qrow: I'd prefer you not. _Our_ age gap isn't legal in Vacuo.

Weiss: Die in a hole.

Qrow: Aww, you really are just like a tiny Winter…

Weiss: Aggggh, why can't I just forget the last 20 minutes of my life!

Qrow: They have that, it's called Tequila.

Weiss: ...I'm just going to go now.

Qrow: Wait-wait-wait...you're legal right?

Weiss: Technically **il** legal in Vacuo. And if you try anything on me I'll shove Myrtenaster so far up your-

Qrow: I **meant** legal to drink. Gods, get your mind out the gutter.

Weiss: Oh, yes, why?

Qrow: Well, given that your sister is getting even closer to my brother-in-law, and that I don't have a drinking buddy, I figure I might as well score some brownie points with the side of her family she doesn't despise.

Weiss: I swear, if that's a euphemism-

Qrow: It's not. Besides, I'm a fucking _teacher_ , you're like a student to me...And my nieces staked a claim already so you're also like a niece-in-law. It'd be fucked up.

Weiss: Staked a claim? What does that even-you know what, nevermind, I've never really drunk much before anyway, so I'm not sure I'd be a good 'drinking buddy' anyway, sorry.

Qrow: I don't mind. Come on, I'm the only functioning alcoholic you know on this continent, who better to show you the ropes?

Weiss: …fine.

Qrow: Great, come on, there's a bar right across from that coffee shop you sister went to, we can keep an eye on them. We can trade embarrassing Winter stories every time they get too cozy.

Weiss: Fine...hold on a minute.

Qrow: Why, what's-

[gets punched by Weiss]

Qrow: Ow, gods above, you Schnees know how to punch, that was a kidney, what was that for?

Weiss: That was for that dig on my mother.

Qrow: Heh, thought you wouldn't notice that one.

Weiss: Hmph...you'll have to get me a lot drunker for me to miss a potshot at my mother's alcohol problems.

Qrow: Hey, I know of your mom, she'd agree with what I said, just not on the functioning part.

Weiss: I'm not disagreeing, but someone needs to defend her honor, even if she won't. How would you know my mother anyway?

Qrow: Okay, here's where the Winter stories come out, see, you've never seen this, but when your sister gets sloshed, she gets _brutally_ honest, and _extra_ gossipy. Let me tell you, I have some _premium_ dirt on your family, you wanna hear about your grand-uncle's thing with a Vacuoan maid….

* * *

 **A/N: Welp, that was the last chapter. (Or at least the last one I wrote in advance, if I get a good enough idea I'll add to it, but don't count on it.** **I mean I do read reviews so if I see a good enough idea there I might write it. So don't hesitate to review or drop a PM to me.** **) Anyway, hope you all enjoyed it (and I again apologize for having a chapter title that really has little to do with the content of the chapter).**


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